My Students’ Blog

How to Manage a Relationship in Front of the Kids

By Cameron K.

When you begin your journey to adulthood, knowing how to manage a relationship is a very important skill, and it’s even more important if you ever plan to have children. If you ever plan to have a kid, knowing how to manage your relationship will be the last of your worries, so it’s not unusual for someone to not think to improve their relationship. Knowing how to manage a relationship is very important for the child’s emotional and social development, because not knowing how can impact the child negatively. This post will be a guide on how to manage your relationship when you have a child.

Why It Matters: The Effects of Conflict On Children

There has been plenty of research done on the effects of parental conflict on children. Kids notice everything. According to the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, when children witness parental conflict, especially aggressive or unresolved arguments, they can become depressed, anxious, worried, or even hopeless.  Even the littlest of arguments that seem harmless can be bad for a child to overhear, especially if they don’t come to an agreement. Developmental psychologist Dr. Alice Schermerhorn explains that even low level bickering can increase a child’s stress response, making them more likely to struggle socially and academically.

Kids learn from their parents, so if they see their parents yell or call each other names while arguing, they are probably going to do the same. Parents can recognize this, and to do it they first need to realize that their arguments affect their kids. It’s important to end arguments without yelling or calling each other names. It’s a stressful time for kids when they see their parents argue and fight, so it makes it harder for them to focus, absorb information, and give their full effort in school.

To have healthy conflict you first need to have a healthy relationship.

What Healthy Conflict Looks Like

Disagreements are a very common occurrence and it’s not uncommon for parents to have them; they’re normal and even healthy to have. The most important part is how they are handled. To have healthy conflict you first need to have a healthy relationship. The Mental Health Foundation outlines some core components that make up a healthy relationship like, getting to know yourself, actually putting work into the relationship, setting and respecting boundaries, and reflecting and learning. Some important things to keep in mind to have healthy conflict are active listening, mutual respect and a willingness to compromise. Disagreements should never involve yelling, name calling, or shutting each other down. You should instead aim to resolve the disagreement not to put the blame on someone.

Four Key Tips for Managing Conflict in Front of Kids

The people at the Center for Children and Youth have put out practical strategies for handling disagreements in ways that are healthy and educational for children. 

1) Try Not to Yell, Keep a Calm Tone

How you say something is what the child hears more than what you actually say. Children get scared if they hear their parents yell; that’s what scares them the most. It’s very scary for a child to see the two people they love the most in world argue and yell at each other.

2) Give Yourself a Timeout

If you can tell the argument’s going to get out of hand, one of you can take a break and go to another room for a couple of minutes to chill out. The other one can talk to the child and reassure them that everything’s okay. You won’t get anywhere if the disagreement turns into yelling and disrespect.

3.) Allow the Child to See the Resolution of the Conflict 

When a child sees their parents arguing, they can begin to question the foundation of their own relationship with their parents. They begin to wonder if they were the cause of the argument. Like, are they fighting because my dads too hard on me for my bad grades and my mom wants him to lay off? Or, when I hit my brother this morning, did my dad stop loving me the way he’s not loving my mom right now? Children are constantly forming concepts about the world, and, if they can see that their parents can resolve their arguments in front of them in a healthy way, the child will know what they were thinking wasn’t true.

4.) Try Avoiding Personal Attacks

Personal attacks in an argument are never a good thing, because it immediately makes the argument toxic. It’s especially not good doing it in front of a child because it’s focusing on the person, not the issue, and that’s not a good thing to show to a kid. The kid’s role models are the parents. So, if they see them insulting each other personally, they will think it’s okay to do the same. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman calls it “the conflict blueprint,” and it’s pretty much just kids copying what they see their parents doing.

In conclusion, being able to manage your relationship in front of kids is a very important skill that everyone will eventually have to learn. Many of us didn’t have good examples of a healthy relationships between parents, but that doesn’t mean you have to give your kid the same treatment. Even if you’re not in the best place financially, or your going through any type of struggle, the one thing you can control is what your kid sees and hears. You can always step away and continue the argument somewhere else, or have the child go to their room. Managing a relationship can be hard while having a child, but that doesn’t stop you from putting in the work to make sure your relationship is a healthy one.